Branching Out (Sorry, that's Awful)
As I promised, there are two entries this week - this one is ripped word for word from thirdspace - University of Victori's feminist newspaper - the oldest one on any Canadian campus. Fancy that!
Here we are again for another peek into ye Olde Bagge of Sexe Toyes and other fine sundries! I tend to go for a more general look at all things sex-y, but this time around, it’s all about the branch toys.
No, these are not ripped off the tree in your front yard. This is the specific kind of toy that has vaginal penetration and (AND!) a clitoral vibe attached to a dildo, making it looking a little like a twig or branch, hence the fancy name it receives. I don’t know if you watch that GOD-AWFUL SHOW “Sex in the City” (as you can see, I’m not a big fan) but this is the same kind of toy some lady named “Charlotte” became “addicted” to and her “friends” had to “steal it away from her.” “JERKS.” But my hatred of the show will be saved for another day.
Anyhoo, the dildo part usually has beads or ball-bearings set in metal frames that turn while penetrating you. The beads are so cleverly placed as to tittilate the first few inches in you, which is the most nerve-filled part of your vagina. Please note that’s the most sensitive part of your VAGINA, not of your whole damn pussy. Clit wins, every time.
Speaking of clits, (YAY!) the vibe on the branch toy will vibrate on it while you’re also being penetrated by the turning, squirming toy. It’s like you’ve won the lottery. Of orgasms!
This is the kind of toy for people out there who have used vibrators, are comfortable with penetration and are looking for something else to try now that they’re comfy with toys. Starting at around 70 bucks a pop, it’s not a toy I suggest to someone who has never used one before – start with a small bullet or plain dildo vibe to see what kind of vibration you like, and where you like it before moving up to this one.
When it comes to deciding which specific branch vibe you want, there’s a few things to keep in mind. If loudness is an issue for you (thin walls plus room-mates, or children wondering why mommy is running the vacuum at eleven at night, etc.) go with the ball-bearing kind. Since the balls are set in a metal frame, they don’t touch each other, and are therefore much quieter. The plastic bead type wrench against each other and make a helluva noise. But, of course, the ball-bearing kind are more expensive (starting around 95 bucks) so if you’re stuck with room-mates who are light sleepers and a tight budget, all I can say is, “that’s what stereos were made to cover up”.
If you happen to be one of the unfortunate ones out there with a latex allergy, and really that just fucking SUCKS, be warned that most of these toys are usually made of latex. The only silicone branch toy I’ve come across is called “Pauline” and is made by Fun Factory, a cute German company known for their sweet, cartoon-like sex toys often featuring a smiley worm-face motif.
This is a great toy for when you feel you want every nerve ending in your crotch pleasantly freaking out. I’m of the opinion that branch toys should be given out at puberty, rather than that stupid-ass “how menstruation works” lecture.
Here we are again for another peek into ye Olde Bagge of Sexe Toyes and other fine sundries! I tend to go for a more general look at all things sex-y, but this time around, it’s all about the branch toys.
No, these are not ripped off the tree in your front yard. This is the specific kind of toy that has vaginal penetration and (AND!) a clitoral vibe attached to a dildo, making it looking a little like a twig or branch, hence the fancy name it receives. I don’t know if you watch that GOD-AWFUL SHOW “Sex in the City” (as you can see, I’m not a big fan) but this is the same kind of toy some lady named “Charlotte” became “addicted” to and her “friends” had to “steal it away from her.” “JERKS.” But my hatred of the show will be saved for another day.
Anyhoo, the dildo part usually has beads or ball-bearings set in metal frames that turn while penetrating you. The beads are so cleverly placed as to tittilate the first few inches in you, which is the most nerve-filled part of your vagina. Please note that’s the most sensitive part of your VAGINA, not of your whole damn pussy. Clit wins, every time.
Speaking of clits, (YAY!) the vibe on the branch toy will vibrate on it while you’re also being penetrated by the turning, squirming toy. It’s like you’ve won the lottery. Of orgasms!
This is the kind of toy for people out there who have used vibrators, are comfortable with penetration and are looking for something else to try now that they’re comfy with toys. Starting at around 70 bucks a pop, it’s not a toy I suggest to someone who has never used one before – start with a small bullet or plain dildo vibe to see what kind of vibration you like, and where you like it before moving up to this one.
When it comes to deciding which specific branch vibe you want, there’s a few things to keep in mind. If loudness is an issue for you (thin walls plus room-mates, or children wondering why mommy is running the vacuum at eleven at night, etc.) go with the ball-bearing kind. Since the balls are set in a metal frame, they don’t touch each other, and are therefore much quieter. The plastic bead type wrench against each other and make a helluva noise. But, of course, the ball-bearing kind are more expensive (starting around 95 bucks) so if you’re stuck with room-mates who are light sleepers and a tight budget, all I can say is, “that’s what stereos were made to cover up”.
If you happen to be one of the unfortunate ones out there with a latex allergy, and really that just fucking SUCKS, be warned that most of these toys are usually made of latex. The only silicone branch toy I’ve come across is called “Pauline” and is made by Fun Factory, a cute German company known for their sweet, cartoon-like sex toys often featuring a smiley worm-face motif.
This is a great toy for when you feel you want every nerve ending in your crotch pleasantly freaking out. I’m of the opinion that branch toys should be given out at puberty, rather than that stupid-ass “how menstruation works” lecture.
posted by Danelda at
2:00 PM
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