It's Not Sex Toys, But....

This post is an article I wrote for the University of Victoria's paper The Martlet last year.


Remember those awful warnings on the dangerous-yet-probably-delicious items under the sink when you were a kid? Remember the scary skeleton arm that meant your skin would fall off your bones? One of those items was bleach. No, we’re still not supposed to drink it, but it’s totally okay to rub it on your anus.

Or so aestheticians say.

I’m exaggerating, but be warned that there is a new craze for “anal bleaching” as it is called. For $75 American the good people at “Pink Cheeks” salon in L.A. will wax your ass, give you a bleaching treatment and send you home with a tub of the stuff to do it yourself until the “desired skin colour” is reached.

How did people (mostly women) become concerned about the naturally darker skin around their anus? From the same people who brought us bacon-strip pube shave-jobs (aka “The Landing Strip”) - the porn industry. Female porn stars such as Tabitha Stevens along with many gay male porn stars have been publicly espousing anal bleaching and it seems that it will soon be the next hot thing since the Brazilian wax.

Perfectly even skin tones, including bum cheeks and pucker, are the rule in porn. So that’s what many are expecting from their sex partners. At best anal bleaching will be one more annoying, time-stealing, money-wasting, aesthetics mis-adventure many women are socially compelled to perform. At worst, it will be scarring anuses by the hundreds.

One of the common chemicals used in anal bleaches is Kojic acid, found to cause burning, scarring, and may actually lead to incontinence. Let’s say that again. INCONTINENCE. Not only would any anal play become unbearable, but you’d end up in Depends, and diaper-fetishists are few and far between.

Many spas and salons that give the treatment emphasize that their products are 100% natural and work “with” the body (whatever that means). Poison Ivy is 100% natural too - that doesn’t mean I’m going to rub it on my ass. Something strong enough to change your skin pigmentation needs to be thoroughly researched, especially when it’s to be used on something as nerve-charged and potentially sexy as your anus. And this is why this trend is so insidious.

Asses – your ass – is meant for your enjoyment. A scarred, irritated anus may not bother your partner (in that case, drop the partner) but I can guarantee you that it will sure as hell bother you. I’m all for doing a myriad of sex-stuff with your bum, but potentially mutilating it for someone else’s purely visual enjoyment is definitely not one of them. Letting someone play with your ass is a privelege, not a right. If they don’t like the fact that it doesn’t look like their favourite porn star’s, then instead of letting them fuck it, tell them they can kiss your ass instead.

Branching Out (Sorry, that's Awful)

As I promised, there are two entries this week - this one is ripped word for word from thirdspace - University of Victori's feminist newspaper - the oldest one on any Canadian campus. Fancy that!



Here we are again for another peek into ye Olde Bagge of Sexe Toyes and other fine sundries! I tend to go for a more general look at all things sex-y, but this time around, it’s all about the branch toys.

No, these are not ripped off the tree in your front yard. This is the specific kind of toy that has vaginal penetration and (AND!) a clitoral vibe attached to a dildo, making it looking a little like a twig or branch, hence the fancy name it receives. I don’t know if you watch that GOD-AWFUL SHOW “Sex in the City” (as you can see, I’m not a big fan) but this is the same kind of toy some lady named “Charlotte” became “addicted” to and her “friends” had to “steal it away from her.” “JERKS.” But my hatred of the show will be saved for another day.

Anyhoo, the dildo part usually has beads or ball-bearings set in metal frames that turn while penetrating you. The beads are so cleverly placed as to tittilate the first few inches in you, which is the most nerve-filled part of your vagina. Please note that’s the most sensitive part of your VAGINA, not of your whole damn pussy. Clit wins, every time.

Speaking of clits, (YAY!) the vibe on the branch toy will vibrate on it while you’re also being penetrated by the turning, squirming toy. It’s like you’ve won the lottery. Of orgasms!

This is the kind of toy for people out there who have used vibrators, are comfortable with penetration and are looking for something else to try now that they’re comfy with toys. Starting at around 70 bucks a pop, it’s not a toy I suggest to someone who has never used one before – start with a small bullet or plain dildo vibe to see what kind of vibration you like, and where you like it before moving up to this one.

When it comes to deciding which specific branch vibe you want, there’s a few things to keep in mind. If loudness is an issue for you (thin walls plus room-mates, or children wondering why mommy is running the vacuum at eleven at night, etc.) go with the ball-bearing kind. Since the balls are set in a metal frame, they don’t touch each other, and are therefore much quieter. The plastic bead type wrench against each other and make a helluva noise. But, of course, the ball-bearing kind are more expensive (starting around 95 bucks) so if you’re stuck with room-mates who are light sleepers and a tight budget, all I can say is, “that’s what stereos were made to cover up”.

If you happen to be one of the unfortunate ones out there with a latex allergy, and really that just fucking SUCKS, be warned that most of these toys are usually made of latex. The only silicone branch toy I’ve come across is called “Pauline” and is made by Fun Factory, a cute German company known for their sweet, cartoon-like sex toys often featuring a smiley worm-face motif.

This is a great toy for when you feel you want every nerve ending in your crotch pleasantly freaking out. I’m of the opinion that branch toys should be given out at puberty, rather than that stupid-ass “how menstruation works” lecture.

Egg Hunt!

The most basic kind of vibrator out there is the “egg” or “bullet” vibrator. It’s usually a small vibe you hold in your hand with a wire attaching it to a battery pack with some kind of speed control on it. I’ve seen them range in price from $14.95 to $109.00.

There’s a few simple rules for these kinds of vibes. Vibes that are “jackable” (i.e. you can plug it in and out of the battery pack) are higher quality than those that are hard-wired into the pack. This is because the wires in the jackable kind are reinforced and suffer less from metal fatigue.

You’ll also want to check the wire end leading into the vibe. Some of them have a plastic bit reinforcing the wire here, and some of them leave the hole slightly open. This difference will tell you the quality of a toy as well.

Some find wires get in the way and prefer vibes with batteries in the vibe itself, the big pro being you can carry it in your pocket if you want to. There’s two cons for these kinds though – they usually only have one speed of vibration, and they often take annoying watch batteries, which I find die quickly and are expensive to replace. NEVER get watch battery replacements at a battery or watch store. They’ll run you around $5 to $10 each, and you can get three of them for less than that at a sex store.

These kinds of vibes aren’t technically “egg” or “bullet” design, but they are meant mainly for clitoral stimulation, so I threw them in. Two of the most popular in this style are the Fukuoku finger vibe (takes two watch batteries and has only one speed) and the Pocket Rocket (takes one AA battery, only has one speed, but at least it’s a stronger vibe than the Fukuoku). The Fukuoku is a favorite of those with thin walls and/or snoopy room-mates/kids, or those who like to get it on in all kinds of places and need it to be portable. The Pocket Rocket got some great press somewhere and I’ve heard people ask for it by name, without knowing what the toy is or does. Smart shopping, people.

A wee list of rules for all toys that vibrate (you’ll be seeing variations of these rules often here):

- Take batteries out when it’s not in use – they’ll just drain, and there’s always a chance they could explode, as they can in any electronic. This is especially true of any toy that takes small watch batteries – those things drain like a sunovabitch.

- Don’t submerge it in water to clean. Use a little soap and water on a cloth for latex/rubber parts and a makeup pad with some rubbing alcohol for plastic parts.

- If you ever want to insert a small vibrator in any orifice, put it in a condom. Never pull on a wire to get a vibrator out of you – pull on the condom. The condom will help protect the vibe from juices and protect you from a nasty shock if something were to go wrong with the vibe.

Small, external vibrators are great for starting experimentation into the world of sex toys; they’re inexpensive so if you don’t like you’re not out too much, and they’re simple to use, in case you’re one of those people whose higher thought processes get lost in the moment.

Next week: branch/twig designed toys. They’re funner than they sound!

Blogger has been acting crazy, and I couldn't post on Monday or Tuesday, and I'm in Montreal until Saturday night. I'll be doing two posts this coming Monday to make it up!